WHEN NOTHING COMES OUT BUT GRIEF DOES

I have sat down to work today, but nothing wants to come out. After staring at my screen for what feels like hours, the only thing I can bring myself to write about is my Dad. Maybe writing will help me move past this blank stage. Maybe it won’t, but here I am.

If you are a regular reader of mine, you will already know. If not, my Dad passed away a month ago.

It’s been the longest month of my life . I’ve been back and forth between home and my mum and dad’s in Norfolk. I’ve been away from the kids. Job opportunities have come and gone, and I honestly feel like I don’t know how to be again.

Funny thing, death. You can go years without seeing certain family members, then suddenly you are hugging and crying on the shoulders of people you never imagined you would feel that close to. Cousins meet for the first time. Sad smiles are shared. There’s this strange, bittersweet feeling because somehow, funerals bring people together.

My Dad’s funeral was on Friday last week. We are now waiting for a date to bury his ashes. I don’t think I’ll feel any kind of peace until that final step is done. We have ordered some ashes rings, and there’s a strange comfort in knowing I’ll have a part of him with me always.

Grief hits in waves. I’ll feel okay, laughing, and then suddenly I’m washed with sadness and guilt. Guilt that how could I laugh or feel happiness, even for a moment, after losing my Dad.

I think I’ll need to go to counselling at some point. My Dad was my number one supporter. He always told me how proud he was of me. He thought my job was amazing. He loved telling everyone about the free stuff I got, was fascinated by my Jet2 collaborations, and I miss talking to him about all of it more than I could ever explain to anyone.

I miss the way he would ring me when Mum was having a nap, just to have a little moan about everyone. It’s such a weird, empty world without him.

I am slowly trying to rebuild my routine, piece by piece. I know it’ll take time. I know I’ll get there, I need to be kind to myself and let my emotions be 🤍