Becoming a parent is one of the most wonderful experiences in the world, but it does come with its fair share of challenges. For one, it’s important for a parent to accept that suddenly, they are not the most important person in their lives anymore. Unfortunately, not all parents seem to get that memo, but it’s certainly part of the job. The orbit of your life changes when you welcome a little one, and for many, it gives renewed purpose they may have struggled with before.
But even then, the rigors of parenting teach us in all kinds of ways, and it’s a continually humbling journey. For instance, every child has their own unique challenges and talents, which means trying to help them develop and letting them know they’re loved and supported is a continual balancing act. Of course, as children, we were very much the same, and this is the dynamic parents across the years have found.
It’s also true that while you become quite capable after the experience of having your first child, your second, should you be lucky enough to welcome them into the world, benefits from your experience and understanding in different ways. Because children are often so different, there’ll be a large raft of skills to learn on top of those you already have.
In this post, we hope to discuss why your first child can, and can’t prepare you for the needs of a second child. We hope this lighthearted guide helps you feel a touch more prepared should you be waiting for that second round.
They Have Personality Ready To Go
It’s quite amazing how much of a child’s personality seems ready to go from day one. Of course, some children may take a little more time to reveal it, but that doesn’t mean it’s not there. Moreover, your second child may have a personality quite different to your first. Perhaps your first bundle of joy was relatively placid and calm, relaxed, and didn’t have a problem with eating vegetables as they grew into a toddler.
But you may find that your second little one is entirely different. In this case, there’s not much you can do but learn to love and raise a different kind of person, because there’s little control you can have over character traits, but you can funnel them in the right direction.
This immediate personality showcase happens because they're born into a living, breathing family environment rather than the quiet home your first child entered, too, so it’s always best to try to provide the most stable environment as you did before.
Not All Children Develop Similarly
Parents often catch themselves comparing their second child to their first's development timeline, but this rarely works out. Your first might have walked at ten months while your second takes until fourteen months. Or perhaps your second child speaks in full sentences while your first was more focused on physical milestones at that age.
These differences aren't better or worse – they're just different paths to the same destination, and if there are any developmental worries you can speak to their pediatrician and see what can be done.
Don’t worry, if they need speech therapy, or they may have a diagnosis such as autism, there’s a great amount of care and developmental training you can provide for them. So don’t lose heart, and try not to compare too much.
You Need To Balance The Attention Needs Of Two Different Children
This fits in quite comfortably with our previous talk about personality differences. One of your children might need constant engagement while the other simply prefers to play on their own and are quite happy to be independent. But this isn’t always a permanent experience.
Some days, your older child needs help with homework while the younger one is having a meltdown about their favourite cup being in the dishwasher.
The juggling act never really ends, it just evolves. Parents often feel guilty about dividing their attention, but children are remarkably adaptable. They learn to share the spotlight, even if it takes time, and it’s always healthy to teach the value of taking turns and being patient with one another. If you can, try to find those smaller moments throughout the day to connect with each child individually, even if it's just five minutes of undivided attention.
You’ll Balance Two Separate Parental Needs
It’s fair to say that each child requires different kinds of support at different times, as did we all.
Your older child might need help processing complex emotions about school friendships while your younger one needs basic physical care and comfort because of their young age. Similarly, your older one may have quite advanced food preferences while you’re still heating up baby food for your smaller child. As you grow into this newer parenting role, you’ll learn to juggle or spin plates with increasing efficiency to the point where you don’t even have to think about it. You’ll know exactly when it’s the right time for converting a crib to a toddler bed, or what bedtime you should set.
For instance, on some days, you’ll be teaching your older child to ride a bike while carrying your younger one in a baby carrier. Parents often say it's like having two different versions of themselves operating at once, but don’t worry, once this skill is learned it’s hard to lose.
Your First Child Will Often Influence Your Second
Any parent of two differently-aged children will tell you that older siblings often become unofficial teachers, whether parents plan for it or not. Your second child might pick up vocabulary faster because they're always listening to their older sibling talk, and we often see this with our youngest children.
Sometimes this also means your smallest one may be more physically adventurous because they're trying to keep up with big brother or sister. This influence works both ways too, as your first child might become more nurturing or patient because of their younger sibling, and it’s healthy to try to help them refine those instincts.
Of course, this often applies even if such siblings aren’t necessarily blood related, such as if your second little bundle of joy was born from a second marriage. It’s nice to see that kind of bonding, but of course, making sure the influence your child is having is positive is also the work of a careful parent.
You May Need To Become A Touch More Disciplined
Now, we’re in no way suggesting you’re lazy or overdue for hard graft, but with two children, the casual approach that worked with one often needs refinement. With two to take care of you’re outnumbered when at home alone, and so their bedtime routines should become more structured, meal planning should be more focused, and you'll probably need a better system for managing toys and clothes.
This way you can use the routine and standards of your household life to lay down the law when you need to, and keep up standards to ensure they get enough sleep for school the next day. Simple things like having designated spots for each child's belongings or times when they brush their teeth can be important, though of course, no baby needs to immediately begin the school run, so you have some time to prepare.
Managing Familial Relations
Two children generally means twice the grandparent visits, twice the birthday parties, and twice the holiday planning. Sometimes that means your wider and extended family dynamics become more complex as relatives try to maintain equal relationships with both children. Some grandparents might connect more easily with one child's personality than the other's.#
Parents often find themselves gently managing these relationships to ensure both children feel equally valued by family members, and that no one is left out. It’s a subtle art but if one that becomes something you attune to as a parent, especially those with a healthy perspective of fair play and what that entails.
You’ll Be Given Slightly Less Unprompted Advice, Which Is Generally Welcome
The flood of unsolicited advice (sometimes helpful, sometimes less so) that came with your first child usually slows to a trickle with your second. That’s because people assume you know what you're doing now, even when you feel just as uncertain about new challenges. It also means that blog posts like this one, will still technically half-solicited advice, and become much more useful.
You may love this, as such reduced interference often feels liberating. Parents generally have more confidence in their decisions with their second child, even when facing new situations, and you won’t feel as though you have to compare yourself or judge yourself, only remain grateful for what you’ve learned and how well you’ve developed over this time.
You’ll Engage Twice As Much With Their Schooling
When your second child becomes old enough to begin getting involved in their education, you’ll find that school involvement doubles with two children. Two sets of everything become the norm, from two sets of teacher meetings, two sets of homework assignments, to two sets of school events to attend.
It’s good to stay interested here, and find ways to stay engaged with both children's education without burning out. Some parents alternate who attends which events, while others bring both children to support each other's activities. The school years will almost certainly reveal how different siblings can be in their learning styles and interest, and what their unique challenges and talents could be. Getting involved, such as volunteering when you can for school trips if you have the time, can also be a great way to become a friendly face there.
With this advice, we hope you can feel even 0.1% more prepared for your second child. You’re going to do a wonderful job!
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